Would you travel all around the world ? Eat everything you'd wanted to , played to your heart's content, do the craziest things you've always thought you'd never do ?
Please, be serious.
I am very serious.
What if, you are a meager student not earning much salary.
A self sufficient individual who supported herself through school and life.
With no home to return to, and alone - abroad.
I, had been too occupied to wonder about such things earlier. Nine days earlier, to be precise. There was work. There was money, roof, and food to worry over - although no, I did not worry much. By nature skeptical and laid back, I observe and critique - and when things didnt go well, or become too overwhelming to overcome, I stepped down, and watched. I observe and accept. Maybe I've developed this trait from years of desensitizing myself. Seemed like, my effort to appear to fit in, did succeed after all, to a disappointing degree. I am a product of years of self-oppression and rigid self-regulated control exercise. But I have always been quite contented with what I have. As the scripture has said, I tried my best to be grateful. I have shared and loved. I had more than plenty to give out. Even when the worst seem to have stricken - virtually orphaned and abandoned, with a looming shadow of dread ahead of me, I stopped fighting when I know nothing would change everything. Something will change something at least, so I tried, but only tried and did. I still managed to feel grateful, though a resentful gratitude be it. I amuse and bemuse myself - an attempt at compromise for a survival. I will not do without a smile a day. Smiling hurt - but staring into spaces burned. In a state of transfixed stare, i had instinctively, temporarily held my breath, and for what seemed like an eternal cycle, my heart would slowly freeze into a hard cast of stone - impossibly sturdy to chip off. But at least, I tried to be happy. I was bathing in illusion of elation most of the days. And at least, I can still afford to be grateful, and a graceful attitude I directed to the world.
But 09 days ago, my whole life flopped down - an ugly piece of smashed cheesecake, toppled o'er its throne. What is there, that remain to be admired? No longer a decent sight, not a taste , not a smell. Pure still-life remained - an art piece due to expire soon, before 'the collector' comes to retrieve it, and store it inside its rightful place - the garbage garage.
what could I have done back then, there's no use wondering now, i understand.
But even in its throes of death, a mice will still kick and breathe. I maybe a fool that I still wished, now, resentfully, that i had been a more child like, and a less sceptical being. Thinking now, I cant see my place in this world. Where have I been ? What have I done? Who have I been ? How many times have i called 'enough', when it is not nearly enough?'
More than ever, now, I want more.
Not only the good things,
bad things ,welcome if you will.
I've barely had enough.
I want to go on.
